I breastfed Kahn and Olivia for 12 months. When I got pregnant with Kahn, I said I would breastfeed for a year. And I succeeded. When I got pregnant with Liv, I only said I would nurse for 6 months since I knew how hard it was so I was pleasantly surprised and super proud of myself for sticking it out for a year. But with baby #3, I just couldn't make it to 12 months.
Like I said, I loved breastfeeding but I HATED pumping. And when you are a full-time working mom and exclusively providing breast milk to your child, you have to pump. I had this love-hate relationship with my pump. I loved it because it allowed me to provide milk for my daughter even though I couldn't physically nurse her every feeding, but I seriously HATED that pump. I hated every single minute I was hooked up to that machine. I literally wanted to tell my pump to 'F off' every time I used it. I used to ask myself every single day, 'why do I do something that I hate so much'? But the answer was always easy--it was for Madeline. She deserved it. I did it for Kahn and Liv, I can do it for Madeline. So I hung on as long as I could.
Madeline is 10 months now and she received her first bottle with formula last Thursday. She is my first child to ever get formula. She drank the bottle, loved it and I cried. I didn't cry because she was getting formula, but I cried because a part of me feels like I am letting her down, that I didn't succeed. I was able to produce and provide breast milk for the other two until they were a year, and I just didn't have it in me for baby #3.
Stopping breastfeeding is liberating yet depressing. It's very emotional. Sometimes it is referred to as the 'booby blues'. I experienced the same emotions when I quit with Kahn and Olivia. I am so excited to have my body back and no longer having to stop throughout the day to hook up to that stupid pump, but I'm also sad about weaning and that Madeline doesn't need me anymore for her nourishment. Yes, she needs me for other things and she will never really know I didn't make it to 12 months with her, but it is just hard--it's hard to explain. But I'll get over it, just like I did for the other two. I just need to celebrate the 10 months I was able to provide her with milk and pat myself on the back for sticking it out for as long as I did. Breastfeeing ain't easy! Especially when you have a 2 and 4 year old! And as much as I hated that pump, I am so thankful for being able to provide her (and the others) with breast milk as long as I did.
So goodbye (for now) to the pump that I hate so much, and on to enjoying my freedom from that damn pump!
This body is taking a break from babies and breastfeeding. My body is mine again, at least for a little bit. :-)
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